I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
