Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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