my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
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we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
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I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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