I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I am one with the molecules
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
