how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
