I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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