Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
