he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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