Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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