he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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