I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
