Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
