Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
"it" just moved
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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