Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
