I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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