I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
