Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.