tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
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Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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