why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I made him laugh his dick is mine