my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
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I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
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I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore