You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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