I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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