Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
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He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
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The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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