can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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