do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
