I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
