dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
