Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
