we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
if only i could text you this smell
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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