Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
