There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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