Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
