Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
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Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
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My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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