I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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