I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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