I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
