It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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