Can i not drive my cunt home
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
