even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
