my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
