The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There's always time for handjobs
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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