your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
