I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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