So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
