here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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