Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
