we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
