I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
