I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I am in a vortex of obligation.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
