Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
the liver wants what the liver wants
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
