I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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