there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
