Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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