There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
