I will die if light touches me.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
