Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
