mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
