i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
