4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
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I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
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He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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