I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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