What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
