He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
