So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
