Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
